I hate that I hate things now.
Maybe hate is a strong word, but it pairs well with my hardened heart so it suffices.
The world is surrounded by elements of love. A dash of romance by candle light. A tablespoon of twinkly eyes as he stares at her across the room. A pint of dramatic kissing scenes. A mix of cheese and throw-up in every single song on the radio.
Can I toss it in the trash? It tastes disgusting. My tongue is begging me to wash it out with some acidic flavoring. Maybe a lot. I like things bitter, lately.
Something about the sourness as the taste sits on my tongue makes me form a half-smile. It taps into a world of flavors I never really embraced–poison.
It settles in dark. It seasons things black. The weight heavy. The aroma of revenge. With an aftertaste of f you.
It’s overwhelming. It’s all-consuming and my heart is wanting to taste more. It wants to see you suffer the way I have, cry every moment of every thought. It wants to see you buried in sorrow never to love again. It wants to slowly feed you words laced with poison and watch your heart fade. It wants to see the light in your eyes dim ever so slightly. It wants to curse you in fifteen different merciless ways. It wants to haunt you. It wants to destroy you.
And it wants to destroy me.
I’m trying to fight it.
But I can’t run away from it. I want to. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t run. Can I? Can you finish the fight for me?
Just the final stretch? Okay fine, you can do the whole thing. Oh, you mean you as in me?
But I’m a ball of mess. I can’t see the point of a hairbrush. I can’t see the reason for sleeping any less than 10 hours a day. I wince at the sight of conflict. I’m a coward. I feel like a coward for staying with him. I feel like push over. How can I stay with a man who chose to betray me this way?
It makes no sense. My heart is full of rage and it can’t love anymore. It won’t love him anymore.
I need to, though. You call me to love. You call me to forgive. To be like You. But how? How do I forgive like You do? You make it seem so simple. Please, God. Take away these temptations to seek out vengeance. Remove this darkness. It’s consuming the beautiful soul You desire me to be. Give me Your eyes.
The lens I see the world through has been shattered. I can’t seem to separate or make out individual pieces of beautiful things. All I see is tainted. How I see you is tainted.
| I once adored the words that poured from your lips, but now I only taste lies.
| I once admired the way your smile crinkled, but now I only sense shielded sadness.
| I once delighted in the way my heart fluttered from your kiss, but now I only hear the cracks of my heart breaking.
| I once appreciated the way you planned dates, but now I disregard anything you do for me that you did for her too.
| I once treasured the moments we spent together, but now I bury feelings of resentment.
| I once marveled at the dreams that lied before us, but now I fixate on poisons of the past.
I can never see him the same way. I just hope the newer version of him is found in You.
Free me, Lord. Change my heart. Give me the strength to see things the way You do. Open my eyes to the many blessings You have poured on my life. Let me find the beauty in the journey I am set to walk for You. Keep my eyes focused on the bigger brighter picture instead of the narrow negative view. May You shield my mind, heart, and soul from seeking out things that will only bring more pain. Begin Your healing work in my heart and my husband’s heart. Renew our marriage and pour out Your blessings over the time we spend together, be it intimately, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Reignite a gentle spirit of love inside him and re-energize a forgiving spirit in myself. May our marriage be strengthened and sanctified. Shine Your light in our lives.
“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalm 119:05
Thanks for fighting.