Journey to Restoration | Fifteen

I hate that I hate things now.

Maybe hate is a strong word, but it pairs well with my hardened heart so it suffices.

The world is surrounded by elements of love. A dash of romance by candle light. A tablespoon of twinkly eyes as he stares at her across the room. A pint of dramatic kissing scenes. A mix of cheese and throw-up in every single song on the radio.

Can I toss it in the trash? It tastes disgusting. My tongue is begging me to wash it out with some acidic flavoring. Maybe a lot. I like things bitter, lately.

Something about the sourness as the taste sits on my tongue makes me form a half-smile. It taps into a world of flavors I never really embraced–poison.

It settles in dark. It seasons things black. The weight heavy. The aroma of revenge. With an aftertaste of f you.


 It’s overwhelming. It’s all-consuming and my heart is wanting to taste more. It wants to see you suffer the way I have, cry every moment of every thought. It wants to see you buried in sorrow never to love again. It wants to slowly feed you words laced with poison and watch your heart fade. It wants to see the light in your eyes dim ever so slightly. It wants to curse you in fifteen different merciless ways. It wants to haunt you. It wants to destroy you.

And it wants to destroy me.


I’m trying to fight it.

But I can’t run away from it. I want to. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t run. Can I? Can you finish the fight for me?

Just the final stretch? Okay fine, you can do the whole thing. Oh, you mean you as in me?

But I’m a ball of mess. I can’t see the point of a hairbrush. I can’t see the reason for sleeping any less than 10 hours a day. I wince at the sight of  conflict. I’m a coward. I feel like a coward for staying with him. I feel like push over. How can I stay with a man who chose to betray me this way?

It makes no sense. My heart is full of rage and it can’t love anymore. It won’t love him anymore.

I need to, though. You call me to love. You call me to forgive. To be like You. But how? How do I forgive like You do? You make it seem so simple. Please, God. Take away these temptations to seek out vengeance. Remove this darkness. It’s consuming the beautiful soul You desire me to be. Give me Your eyes.


The lens I see the world through has been shattered. I can’t seem to separate or make out individual pieces of beautiful things. All I see is tainted. How I see you is tainted.

| I once adored the words that poured from your lips, but now I only taste lies.

| I once admired the way your smile crinkled, but now I only sense shielded sadness.

| I once delighted in the way my heart fluttered from your kiss, but now I only hear the cracks of my heart breaking.

| I once appreciated the way you planned dates, but now I disregard anything you do for me that you did for her too.

| I once treasured the moments we spent together, but now I bury feelings of resentment.

| I once marveled at the dreams that lied before us, but now I fixate on poisons of the past.

I can never see him the same way. I just hope the newer version of him is found in You.


Free me, Lord. Change my heart. Give me the strength to see things the way You do. Open my eyes to the many blessings You have poured on my life. Let me find the beauty in the journey I am set to walk for You. Keep my eyes focused on the bigger brighter picture instead of the narrow negative view. May You shield my mind, heart, and soul from seeking out things that will only bring more pain. Begin Your healing work in my heart and my husband’s heart. Renew our marriage and pour out Your blessings over the time we spend together, be it intimately, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Reignite a gentle spirit of love inside him and re-energize a forgiving spirit in myself. May our marriage be strengthened and sanctified. Shine Your light in our lives. 

“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalm 119:05

Amen.


Thanks for fighting. 

womanofthetimeahead@gmail.com

 

 

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Journey to Restoration | Twelve

I cried today.

Well, all last week too, but who’s keeping track.


It’s been about 12 minutes since my last, and I already need another hit of crying therapy. It feels so satifying. I feel at peace. For a few seconds at least. And as my trembling hands try to match the right keys and letters my heart slips onto the digital world of “is any body out there?”. We all hunger for a voice. For attention. For a void to fade into the abyss of our minds and find a new home, surrounded by a warm fire, cozy toe socks, and a Christmas joy in the air.

I’m trying to find my way to the warmth of the glowing embers. I have to. I have to keep on walking through this snow covered land. But how can I? My feet are sinking. I’m only 5’4! I’m running out of sky! I’m running out of energy.

You told me you were going to change. You told me you were going to love me. What happened? You’re doing everything wrong, even when it feels right. Your habits haven’t changed. You still over step boundaries you know lead down a dangerous path. You share one on one time, deep conversations, and play hero. While I may not need you to be my hero right now it sure doesn’t hurt to have the back up. I may be Wonder Woman but I like having Steve Trevor around.

Every time you considering back slipping just envision yourself pushing that knife into my heart a little deeper. Every time you feel weak and tired of putting 100% or really any effort less than the best consider a life without me.

I don’t know how much I can take. I’ve never tested these limits. I never even knew I’d need limits for tolerating cheating.

Now I know I can’t expect a 180 miracle change in you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t look for that standard. If you know better, you should really begin to dedicate every breath you have to regaining my trust. Because without my trust, I can’t give you anything else to the fullest.

Where is the effort? Where is game face? Are we going to conquer this battle or not?

I want to give you grace. I need to, I know. But I’m not perfect. I know I’ve hurt you with my words–deserving or not. But I don’t want to continually hurt each other, nor will it strengthen our relationship.

Please, get right with God. I’m trying. He’s calling on both of us.


God,

Please. Give me peace. Give him strength. Grant us both forgiveness for when we fail you. Help us to forgive ourselves when we fail. Your will be done in us. 

Amen.


 

Thanks for eye balling my words. Any one know how to begin publishing a book?

Journey to Restoration | Eleven

Hi world, again…

It’s been a few sunsets.

There’s been a ton of movement lately. It even seems the world really loves to keep moving on without you. So cruel, isn’t it? Anyways. Moving, moving…moving.

| Movement in life

| Movement in location

| Movement in marriage

| Movement in restoration

| Movement in jobs

| Movement in mind


| Movement in life

 Every time that sun hits the peak of the day it finds itself drifting slowly off to sleep. It never waits up for you. It doesn’t rely on your decision to seize the day or to binge watch Netflix with some mac ‘n’ cheese. Time will move on even when your heart doesn’t want to. And it’s allowed. And you’re allowed too. You can sleep in all day. You can cry every five minutes, run out of tissues, then decide to take a hot shower to wipe it away instead. You’re allowed. Because one of these sunrises, you’re going to find the strength to rise too. 

| Movement in location

When your best friend becomes the GPS, when your heart misses home, and when your eyes don’t recognize the person in the mirror… you’ll be okay. I promise. Things are meant to change. It’s that season in your life. You remember? Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring? Perhaps your heart skipped over sunny days and chose to forget the chilly ones too. Or perhaps your heart took a hard fall. You’re ready to spring now, aren’t you? No? Well, sorry to say, but you have to. You’re ready. You can leap. Just one step at a time. You’ll figure this place out too, just like you always do. 

| Movement in marriage

Hiking. Up. Down. Freezing cold. Singing heat. Oh what a journey it is. So breathtaking, yet also, breath taking. Some days you look back and see no progress in your climb. Others you feel you’ve gotten lost in the shadows of the hills. And most, you feel like you’re about to cast down your climbing gear off the cliff and sit. Have a long hard rest, and sit. Thinking is optional. Probably less preferable. Definitely. Too many things to think and so little brain. Is there a resting point yet?

| Movement in restoration

Hmm. Well, if you’ve been journeying with me you’ve noticed my lack of posting. That is unfortunately due to my lack of restoration. The energy has been lack-luster. Remember that mac’n’cheese bit? (By the way, I make a mean mac’n’cheese.) I’m trying to work on restoring elements in my life that can lead me to restoring myself. So far, there are baby steps, like micro-pig-feet baby steps. But I suppose I can’t discount that. Learning to let go and restore is unsurprisingly difficult. My heart won’t let go. My mind won’t rest. The triggers keep…triggering. No matter where I go. Sometimes I let it invade my mind and other times I break out the lazer blaster and fight off the invasion, temporarily. But the darn things are pervasive. 

| Movement in jobs

Not entirely. It’s prospective. Hopefully something more fulfilling, more progressive, sustainable, and… me. Like I said, prospective. The ladder of success awaits! And…so do my feet. Darn things never listen to me. My heart knows I’m not satisfied where I am, but my feet tend to agree with my lazy self. So what’s a woman to do? Wait for the world to toss her a bone? To play fetch when the ball is thrown in her view? The itch is too strong for me. I think I’ll climb. 

| Movement in mind 

Running, running. Always running with nowhere to go. Yet it silences when I try to put words on a page. The audacity of myself. Playing games of tag at the most dire of circumstances. A constant battle of 1 on 1 that cackles in between its conquests. 

1.1.


Thanks for reading. Now how to do I begin the climb to writing a book?

Journey to Restoration | Ten

Knowing everything feels like a good idea at the time. But what they say is true…ignorance can be bliss. Boy do I wish I were blissful. It’s that darn INFJ in me. The desire to find a solution, desire to understand, to grasp and connect logic, internalization, reflection.

That nagging urge to connect the dots and retain every… last… detail. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. Why I ask questions my heart already knows the answer to just for affirmation. Then once it’s no longer a theory it materializes into a knife ready to cut pieces of my heart out. Can selective memory become a thing please? I changed my mind. I don’t want to know. That was my evil twin, jealousy. You see her? She’s waving over my shoulder.

I know I asked you to tell me things. It isn’t your fault you’re trying to be honest. Now I am trying to be honest with you too… I don’t want to know any more. But I do. I can’t stop it. The desire to know is so irritating and stubborn. It won’t let me stop.

Why do we people like to know things? Why do I even want to know why we want to know…? Jeeze. That’s a mindless trap.

Can I trap all these words, thoughts, and concoctions of moments into one tiny box and set it on fire? I’d rather it burn into the ground instead into the crevices of my eyes.  It’s making me crazy. One minute I’m glowing with joy and the next I feel so lifeless I question my existence. I question…

Why am I here?


God…

please. Show me why I exist. Give me life. Give me Your life. Your heart and passion. Reveal my purpose deep in my soul and ignite a flame to chase it. Strengthen me when I am weak. When I can’t find the energy to pursue what Your plan is. Let my life be glory to You and only You. Let this journey be used for Your glory and not my own. Help me to understand the meaning behind my wavering faith and the challenges that stand before me. Help me to overcome my current challenge…to forgive and forget what does not need to be remembered. And if it isn’t Your will for me to forget, help me to use the knowledge as a strength and not as a weight on my life. Thank You, Lord, for Your plan. Let me abide in You.

  Amen. 


| Reasons for Existence |

  1. To glorify Him (Romans 8:28).
  2. To share a testimony.
  3.  To sanctify one another.
  4.  To laugh and to love.

| Reasons to care for your tender heart |

  1. You are valuable beyond compare.
  2. You have a higher purpose beyond your understanding.
  3. You’re somebody’s hero.
  4. Your strength will grow step by step.
  5. You love who you are.
  6. You can and will be blissful again.

 

Now…Why is less more? Because, the less I care about who she was, is, and will be I can focus on who I am, was, and aim to be. That’s what I’m working on. I am determined. I was insecure. I aim to be a woman of confidence. I just need God’s help.


Thank you for continuing to follow my Journey to Restoration. If you’d ever like to email your marital wisdom or experiences with affair recovery please contact me at womanofthetimeahead@gmail.com.

 

 

Journey to Restoration | Nine

My brain is scrambled. I can’t even comprehend that I’m moving forward. Some people think I’m crazy and others urge me on with sympathy. They like to say, “Wow, I never thought that would happen!”, “How are you still with him?” and so on.

Honestly, I’ve been researching affair recovery stories…and sadly, my situation isn’t as half as bad as most I’ve listened to. Some affairs have been going on for three, five, ten years, multiple people, children in the mix, etc. I’ve been blessed by God’s grace that we began our journey back to a loving God centered marriage early on. Regardless of the length of the affair, the scars are still the same. The pain is just as real, the thoughts just as deep, the insecurity just as prevalent.

To all of you out there who have suffered from this type of betrayal, my fragile heart goes out to you. The pain we feel in incomparable. Those who sympathize, “I can’t imagine how you feel…” are entirely true.

I don’t wholly know how I feel. I didn’t prepare for this. I didn’t study up affair recovery in anticipation of the moments I can finally use the vast resources I found. But here I am. I’m choosing to stay. Choosing to walk beside a man who has wronged me, pained me, and betrayed his God.

The beautiful thing is…God hasn’t betrayed him. He’s always been there and now He’s pulling on my husband’s heartstrings tighter than ever. God’s plucking chords I never even knew existed in him. And you know what? It sounds beautiful.

It’s beautiful to hear him singing worship music again. To hear him reference scriptures in natural conversation. It’s beautiful to see a compassion in his eyes when he holds me. To see my husband’s love for me flourish all over again.

It’s beautiful to feel feminine again.

You know that feeling when your dad embraces you in a tight warm hug and everything falls away because you know he’s going to protect and take care of little you? Yeah. I guess it’s like that. In the same moment I feel my husband’s arms wrapped around me I feel God’s arms shadowing his.

I absolutely acknowledge that men are generally larger and stronger than women. And that’s okay. One of the things I love about my husband is his larger presence in contrast to my petite presence. I feel safe.

I feel taken care of again. Except this time, I don’t need to rely on him. I’m choosing to look to him out of respect, admiration, and humility. Because now, I’ve found my own courage to chase independence with him by my side.

I may be completely vulnerable, but I find a strength in it. I’m growing, nurturing, and developing my own soul. God is refining the warrior He created in me.

I can exercise empathy. I’m supportive of his recovery (and my own) throughout our shared suffering. This is a long journey, but we’re choosing to bring  God along for the ride, together.

I am continually being sanctified. God is working on both of our hearts and we get the opportunity to see each other grow more and more in loveliness and holiness. We get the opportunity to be used as a part of God’s work.

~Prayer

Lord,

Thank You for goodness. Thank You for being my strength when I am weak and the courage when I cannot speak. Help me to continually trust in You. Let my heart be like David’s; let me sing Psalms 86. Help me to rely on Your faithfulness. Comfort us during the hard times. Soften us when we feel anger with one another. Keep us focused on You when we feel weary. Thank You for this blessing to sanctify one another in marriage. Grant us Your grace and wisdom.

In Your name, Amen.

| Thanks for reading.|

Journey to Restoration | Seven

I spent the night away from you last night.

How did it feel? Do you realize you are losing me yet?

I don’t often seek space [I have the unfortunate habit of wanting to talk too soon] so you should know that this time it’s real.

You hurt me in the deepest way. The most humanly possible. You had an affair.

How did you even must the courage? How did you not stop yourself? Was she that enticing you were willing to throw your marriage aside? Your entire life down the drain?

Why are you in-between? What are your pros and cons? You don’t get a safety net anymore. You need to choose. You can’t put this decision on me. If you want her, go. Go see if the grass is greener–or if it’s just painted over.

You’re the one that has something to lose here. I know my value and you’re never going to take that away from me.

Seven top questions keep drifting around in my mind…

  1. How could you do this to me?
  2. What did you tell yourself that gave you the permission to pursue her?
  3. Did you really believe you wouldn’t get caught?
  4. If you leave me are you going to go to her?
  5. What does she even mean to you?
  6. What has she given you that I haven’t?
  7. Are you going to be the man that I deserve?

Thank you for crushing my insecurity. Thank you for giving me a fiery passion to love myself. Thank you for testing my love and proving that I have an unimaginable strength. Thank you for giving me a challenge to share with the world. Thank you for slapping me in the face and awakening my heart to follow after God.

psalms 18:1-2

Dear God,

Thank You for Your strength. You are my refuge. Keep my eyes focused on You. Protect my heart from all things evil. Deliver me from the bondage of pain, anger, and unholy desires. Shield me in Your arms and send me Your love when I am weak. Let Your will be done in me. Let Your will be done in my marriage. Let Your will be done in my life. 

Amen.

 

Thanks for reading. Keep me in your prayers.  If you’d like to follow my journey, jump on board.

Journey to Restoration | Five

Now that you want to fly… let’s go over the five essentials.

  1. God [to rely on]
  2. Love [to restore]
  3. Time [to heal]
  4. Fellowship [to uplift]
  5. Honesty [to forgive]

Number One [God]

Number one. Yup. That’s where He needs to be in our lives. I don’t know about you, but I’m struggling. It’s hard to Be like Jesus. You remember that saying, “WWJD | What would Jesus do?” Well, I’m trying to figure that out, by reminding myself that I’m utterly hopeless without Him. I suppose it isn’t that difficult to convince myself of that because I still can’t seem to figure out if I’m crying tears of joy or tears of what did I get myself into. All in all, I’m giving prayer and scripture a shot. And today’s motto is:

8 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.”

~Isaiah 55:8-9

Number Two [Love]

Ahh. So bitter and so sweet at the same time. It’s like a mystery lollipop–you never know what flavor you’re going to get today. Ready to take the gamble?

I might be or Bubble Gum Yum, Very Merry Berry, Lime-ea-addam, Root-Gimme-a-Beer, Tropical Punch You in the Face…Take your pick. Go ahead! Pick one from the candy bag and give it a go! You might just get your favorite mystery flavor. Spin the wheel of emotions and find out what you won! No? You want out now?

But the game hasn’t even finished. Love has just begun to sugar our lives. Don’t you want to taste more? Don’t you want to rip off the wrapper and begin restoring what was lost?

Number Three [Time]

[Insert cheesy tick-tock]. Run, run, run. The forest is closing in. Once you’re lost in it there is no finding your way back. Didn’t you hear? The birds have already sung their song and now you must sing it too. You know how this works! It’s a clock. You gotta make sure you listen to the ticks and the tocks. What drives the gears? Keeps it ticking? Do you see the one you’re chasing after through the trees? Is it me? Can you hear my heartbeat and catch on? Shall I leave a beat behind so you can find me? Eventually, we won’t feel it anymore if we keep running. Then we can heal.

Number Four [Fellowship]

Fellow. Ship. Sounds like two peas in a boat floating down the river together in peaceful unison. Obviously, by my story, my dear readers, this river of unity has since taken different streams. And we are coursing our way back through the treacherous currents before we find a waterfall. Or rather, fall over it.

Fellowship | companionship| comradeship |  friendship |

fellow. companion. comrade. friend. That’s what you are supposed to be to me. What do those definitions mean to you? Do you understand what those qualities are?

Number Five [Honesty]

Well, honestly, you suck at it right now. You’re only giving me bits to satisfy me. Why won’t you tell me everything at once? Just rip off the band-aid and let my heart begin the healing process. Don’t make me go through discoveries again and again. It’s really not that exciting to hear about something brand new when it isn’t good news. Honesty means keeping me in the loop. Now, I understand if there are random things you’ve forgotten. But some of your forgetful claims are a little far-fetched.

Honesty means telling me the truth even if it hurts me or your chances. Honesty is holding yourself accountable to a standard higher than my own because you are trying so desperately to regain my trust. Honesty is simple. A few words here and there. A heart to heart. A simple hug and a reminder that you’re honestly trying. Please show me you’re trying. Please… I want to forgive you.

 

What do you think fellowship qualities and honesty should be? Leave a comment below.

Thanks for reading.

Journey to Restoration | One

So begins the journey to restoring my marriage.

One day at a time.

One step at a time.

One breath in.

One way through.

One God beside.

How do I forgive those who have offended me God? How do I offer my heart to you when it’s been so damaged? You deserve something beautiful placed before you. Something clothed in splendor and glory. Not this empty shell of a heart… I’m so ashamed. Ashamed of whatever I have done to offend another. Ashamed of how he has offended me. How our marriage has offended You.

We are undeserving of Your love, Your restoration.

I’m crying out to you for the both of us. Please. Open our hearts, our eyes, and restore what You have so wonderfully designed to be honoring to You.

If he will not humble himself and bow, please use me as Your instrument as I break and kneel before You to call him to You. Pierce his heart. Destroy all sin. Destroy doubt. Unworthiness. Pity. Regret. Pride.

Strip away all that makes us unworthy.

Show us Your mercy. Let us live an Ephesians 2 life.

4But God’s mercy is so abundant, and his love for us is so great, 5that while we were spiritually dead in our disobedience he brought us to life with Christ. It is by God’s grace that you have been saved. 

Bring us back from death into life. Let us see you through this storm. 

 

Please comment any verses below that carry you through your storms.

Thanks for reading. Like, Share, Follow my journey. We shall see where it goes together.

Journey to Restoration | Fourteen

I’ve stared at this dimly lit iPad for 10 minutes now.

Maybe it’s the TV buzzing in the background…or that’s my brain refusing to sleep. I was hoping putting some typed words to digital paper would provide an avenue of comfort but I feel more lost than ever before. I lost myself again. When I began his journey I felt more determined than ever to redefine myself anew. My heart was beating with a ferocious sense of self. My mind hyper-focused on growth rather than degradation. My soul felt peace in decision to forgive. But clearly I haven’t.

I read somewhere that it takes at least six to eight months for truly begin forgiving. It’s been 2 months, 11 days.

| 6,048,000 seconds | 100,800 minutes | 1680 hours | 70 days | 10 weeks |

So I guess I’m 1/3rd or 1/4th of the way there, depending on your level of optimism. It seems I’m drained of it, so could you muster up the strength of optimism for me? Email-Snail Mail it my way? Prayer it my way? Thanks.


Has it really only been 10 weeks? That feels absurdly inaccurate. Clearly time stopped when I stopped breathing. Actually, maybe not, because time would still be captured in my chest. Is this even air? It stings of poison-filled-envy. Everywhere I place my feet I see more traps falling before me. I wouldn’t hold that concept against the world. Two steps forward, one step back. Baby steps. Clearly life is met to be faced with challenges on your way to restoration.

I don’t know. I don’t know much anymore. My thoughts propose themselves in fragments and my words evolve into a gimpy attempt of a fin. I’m swimming. But I’m drowning in my own pain. Half of me stopped swimming miles back. Maybe I need to start thinking like both Nemo and Dory. Carry through the pain. What’s that song, “Just keep swimming?”

Maybe that’s the part of me I lost. Maybe I was always meant to lose her. Maybe she wasn’t warrior enough to fight the battles that lay before me.

I had almost forgotten, I am a warrior.

“I’ve walked through the fire, and now I wear these flames as wings.” – A. M.

And I’m not alone. I have the strongest warrior backing me up.

He is the one fighting for me.

I know You are… You are good. Your love is steadfast. Your ways are true. So here’s my heart, Lord.

I will trust in You. 


All of this swimming has me thinking.

So just for kicks, here’s some steps to learn to swim.


Thanks for swimming. 

womanofthetimeahead@gmail.com

 

Journey to Restoration | Thirteen

Duck… Duck…


I’m still waiting. Waiting for the chance to scream. I feel like a million bees are living inside my skin. When I close my eyes, I can see the moments when you let yourself betray me. I can hear the cries inside my soul bellowing louder to go back in time and stop it. My heart always knew. I could see the signs, and I let my past struggles with jealousy argue away my insecurities with your friendships. I gave you trust and you gave me anxiety.

I’m waiting for my anxiety to disappear. I miss the beauty I used to find in night drives. I miss staring out the window and smiling at God’s creation. I don’t know why it’s so overwhelmingly hard to drive at night. Well, I do, but I never thought it would actually cause me pain. I avoid it when possible. Trust me, I’ve been attempting to look beyond the dark windows of every passing car. I stare at the trees. I stare at the walls, the sky. Whatever I can do to avoid introspection.

I’m waiting for my heart to understand. I can’t let go of thinking… “Why? How? Is this a dream? Can I wake up now?” We all know hearts can be too weak to fight off the mind sometimes. No number of books can explain the things my heart desires to know. No amount of words can fill in the blank spaces of my Mad Lib life. Verbs are where nouns should be. Shapes are blurred into colors. Exclamations meant to be done singularly were given plurals. And it’s written in pen. The non-erasable kind, etched, grafted, and sunken into my mind.

I’m waiting for that “healing phase” to begin. That phase exists, right? I read rumor of it in the stack of recovery books resting on my bedside table. Everyone seems to believe this is feasible; recovery is possible; time is the healer of all wounds. You’ve probably all heard it before.

| Shock | Denial | Anger | Bargaining | Depression | Acceptance | Testing | 

I wish I could choose the next stepping stone. It feels like all seven stones are circling where I stand and my feet are frozen by indecision.


The earthly rock I’m standing on is shaking. It’s about to crumble into fragments of tears. More of them keep falling the longer I concentrate on making sense of this journey.

Dear Lord,

Thank You for another day. Thank You for breathing life into my earthly foundations even thought I fail to seek You first. I am weak and failing to run to You when times get tough. I’m sorry I’ve made You second choice. I’m sorry for the ways I have sinned against You throughout this journey. I’m sorry for the ways I will continue to sin against You. Please give me strength to put aside my anger and put on joy. Turn my pain into strength, my mistrust into compassion. Transform my heart into a life that wants to serve You. Let my one and only desire throughout this journey be to glorify You. Let this life I lead be an example for those who will come after me. I pray You will heal those struggling with recovery and guard those nearing betrayal from acting upon their desires. Draw them to You and give them a strong foundation. Be my foundation. Be my solid rock. May I declare Psalm 62:1-2 in my actions. Let me stand on Your Word, Your goodness, Your sovereignty, and Your grace.

Amen.  


 

Don’t you just hate anxiousness?

Goose.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Insignificant

It’s crazy when you stop to think about other people while in traffic. I don’t know if it’s my soft exterior or if it’s personal pain rising through, but I started to cry when I  realized that each person sitting in their car is pondering their life, trying to drown it out with music, or running (or rather driving) away from it. Sure we can say that they are simply making their commute to work or to run that uneccessary last errand, but deep down they feel their heart breaking at the seams.

Endless tail lights flashing before me and blinding headlights zooming by always take my mind to a different place. It’s like a game of stop and go, say yes to life moving forward or realize it’s time to call it quits and stop. Many people probably verge on the edge of making either decision, because both seem pitiful. Scenarios of the pain that comes with a healing process don’t really present a more appealing option over just giving up and letting the pain simmer without a fight.

Okay. Now I’m just journeying down a dramatic, fluffy language rant.

I certainly know that I’ve been harboring pain inside of myself. Deep set pain from when I was a child and never let myself heal. In fact, I never even tried to heal. Everything about the highs of my healing journey were done out of spite or in the wrong fashion. Healing doesn’t happen when you choose to mend yourself with another person and it can’t happen when you don’t accept that you’re broken.

It’s taken me years to realize that I’m not over the passing of my mother. Sure my father was excellent and did all that he could to be there for me. I had a great childhood regardless of the situation. What he didn’t know how to do was be my mother. He didn’t have her laugh or smile, the same look in her eyes, her passion filled hugs, her ability to give me confidence and strength with the perfect words, or her wisdom. Of course my dad couldn’t be her. And I never expected that of him, but I at least hoped that her memory and her personality wouldn’t be lost. I can’t ever remember her. I don’t have an inkling of the way she laughed, the curl of her smile, her mannerisms, or unique phrases. People say I’m just like her, but I can’t trust that when I don’t even see myself clearly.

I’ve begun to realize that I can’t decipher between memories that are my own or shared memories from my family members. I can’t even trust myself when I speak about her. Who knows? Maybe I’m lying that I remember sitting on a picnic blanket when I was  two or so, hair a mess, giggling in her tanned arms. Was it a random picture I tokened? Maybe those memories aren’t to be trusted and cherished. They are just a fluffy story developed over time by fond memories of what I hoped was. Maybe they are insignificant.

On a depressing note: I guess deep down we all could be insignificant. Maybe we are all fading away…just like Mama Coco.

But…If we let each other. 


So, I’ve decided to challenge myself this week with:

| giving more thought to my actions, time spent, and interactions with those around me.

| zeroing in my attention to people and their stories.

| letting myself feel sad in order to realign those memories with happiness.

| asking God to heal my brokenness.

| sharing my thoughts with the world, even when it hurts.


I’m choosing to consider what they might be going through with every unexpected mood change, unkind word, even subtly heart-shielded compliment. I hope they’ll do the same for me.

It’s when we choose to believe in the hope of those memories that they come alive again. It’s when we step outside ourselves that we can see the significance in others.

 

Thanks for reading. If you’d like to journey down these thinking roads with me jump in the passenger seat. 

Journey to Restoration | Eight

Tolereight. 

/ˈtɑl·əˌreɪt/ To bear something unpleasant or annoying, or to keep going despite difficulties; to accept behavior and beliefs that are different from your own, although you may not agree with or approve of them.

No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to tolerate these feelings. I don’t want to pressure myself into ignorance. I may need glasses but my eyes are wide open, I promise you. This isn’t something I should have to visualize. This isn’t something I should have been forced to bear.

I didn’t sign up for this life lesson at the beginning of the semester. Is this even a course requirement for life? Can I drop it, please? I’m already failing the course, so give me the final and call it a day.

Why do I have to keep going? Can’t I crawl into a hole today and drop all my responsibilities? My feet are tired of walking to class just to find out the professor wasn’t going to show up that day. It gets kind of discouraging.

How can I condone their lack of accountability to show up? It’s their life, no? Well…I suppose they did promise to dedicate their life to my education. They promised to guide me, teach me, and encourage me. To prevent bad grades.

It looks like you decided to give your professor-ing a big fat red F. Yup. You’re failing. Actually, you already failed…me. You didn’t even show up for the lectures or the test.

Are you going to reapply for your teaching credentials? Or are you going to humble yourself and start taking a lesson in life all on your own from someone wiser? There certainly is someone.


Have you been doing your part?

Are you studying, reflecting, listening, and figuring out what your heart needs to do to pass this class?

There is going to be zero tolerance for cheating. I won’t allow myself to allow you to cheat in this class.

You better be showing up consistently. Each and every day. Facing forward in the front row, pencil and paper in hand.

Here’s your quick study guide if you need the way to my heart:

| Love Me | like over the moon level, be obsessive

| Be Honest | don’t hide a single thing, I need to trust you again

| Give Me Your Full Attention | don’t make me share you, not when I don’t need to

| Compliment Me | make me sick of hearing it, make my heart full

| Listen | even to the silent moments, they may speak the loudest

| Be Romantic | give me the gouda cheese, give me the full fondue pot

| Lead Me | get your heart focused on God, and be the man He’s called you to be

 

Hey readers. Thank you for being an ear, or eye, I suppose. At least I know you listen during these dark times. 

Keep me in your prayers. My strength to forgive. My strength to rid of all evil thoughts. I’m struggling, for sure. And I don’t know if I’m destroying myself with my own thoughts…or the truth.