Category: Journey to Happiness

3. What am I going to achieve next month?

Okay. It’s been a minute. Time to sit down and do a little bit of self reflection and me time.

Here’s the pick of the day.

What am I going to achieve next month?

Well… I have seven days to figure this out in my reality. But that also means I can hover in the clouds for seven days envisioning all of the great successes and achievements until then, too.

February. The month of love. The season of togetherness. The endless supply of chocolate. Oh my gosh, side note…did you know that they make beef jerky flowers and will deliver it to you? It’s the perfect alternative for the strange people like me to those regular bouquets of flowers. Don’t get me wrong, flowers are great when it’s a surprise! But, I’ll pass on the obligatory occasions for flower giving. Make it special, make it spicy. Yum, beef jerky. Take my money.

Okay okay. Focusing. And once again I’m hungry. I’ve really gotta stop doing this before dinner. I think it’s going to be shrimp and pasta. I’m feeling it.

Where were we? Yes. February. If you haven’t been following any of my other posts, spoiler alert: I’m single. Everyone cry with me now. I’m totally kidding. Sort of. My heart will forever want this man, because, well, he’s totally amazing and we broke it off on good terms, and it’s been long distance, and it’s pointless to be in a relationship right now, blah blah blah. I’ve made peace with it. We’ll see where life goes. I’m learning to love this season of singleness, truly. I have another shot to learn how to be selfish. How to put myself first. To find who it is I am. And I guess it’s not so bad. I can chase my dreams again, devote all my energy to me, myself, I, and God. And focusing on me means it’s off to the Galantine’s parties for this gal. And snagging a guy is definitely not on my list of achievements for next months adventures. I think I’m going to focus on doing things that show mad love to myself. That’s always allowed. But what to do, what to do.

Here’s a few thoughts that have come to mind:

Ways to love myself

  1. spa day (yes)
  2. work on getting those abs (dear God, please)
  3. buy a new cardigan (because I need one)
  4. spend time with some gals (rom-coms here we come)
  5. take myself on a hot date (I’ve needed an excuse to dress up)
  6. record a few episodes for my podcast (dream in the making)
  7. add some more elements to my business venture (my mind keeps changing)

There. Seven. Seven choices, and seven days to refine them in to one complete task–loving myself. Then I can really focus and go at it. Maybe I’ll do them all. Goal setting is trending right? We’re still in January.

I didn’t turn to Google for any of these thoughts but I may after dinner. I would imagine that there are a billion more ways I could spoil myself just waiting to be indulged in.

I want to take myself places. I want to get fit. I want to take care of my skin. I want to be confident. I want to be powerful. I want to be exactly who I am meant to be. Walking without fear. And next month I will not only achieve it. I will embrace it.

It’s the year of walking without fear. And the month of love–it’s time to get spicy. Cause here I come.

 

What’s your seven for the month?

 

Thanks for venturing.

 

by thetimeahead

2. What are 50 things that make me smile?

This Journal Prompt should be easy enough right? All I need to do is list 10 things 5 times that make me smile.

In no particular order. Just things that are top of mind.

  1. The purr of a cat.
  2. Dogs when they put their face out the window of a car.
  3. Saving a snail from being trampled on.
  4. Watching my friends succeed.
  5. When a couple smile and laughs together.
  6. When I hug a person and they pull me tighter.
  7. Kissing the man I love.
  8. Really good music.
  9. Playing charades at a party.
  10. A gorgeous sunset

Alright lightning round two. this is actually kind of difficult to avoid being super cliche with my answers.

  1. Adding another cup to my National Park collection.
  2. When I travel to a new place.
  3. Paying off debt from traveling to said new place.
  4. Sharing my feelings and being understood.
  5. Riding a new rollercoaster.
  6. Babies laughing.
  7. The light in someones eyes when something clicks.
  8. A good bubble bath.
  9. Hot chocolate by the fire with a blanket.
  10. The first bite of sashimi every time.

Now I’m really hungry and want sushi instead of Carne Asada for dinner. Gosh darn it.

  1. Riding on a quad through the desert trails.
  2. Resonating with a good book.
  3. Getting surprise flowers.
  4. Knowing I look darn good in an outfit with some heels on.
  5. Staring at a field of golden poppies.
  6. Eating cookie dough with no regrets.
  7. Revealing the lingerie I’m wearing.
  8. The sound of rain.
  9. Passionate sex.
  10. Water-balloon fights.

I’m pausing to think for a minute every single time I type out an answer. I didn’t realize how particular my standards were for what can make my cheeks curl.

  1. The good side of humanity.
  2. A smooth writing pen.
  3. A satisfying color of said pen.
  4. Love notes.
  5. Late night conversations.
  6. Compliments when I feel discouraged.
  7. Achieving a goal.
  8. Organizing and decluttering.
  9. My night routine before bed.
  10. Praying when I’m afraid.

Okay, almost there. This is actually kind of fun. Each of these items have a memory attached to them. It’s amazing that we don’t think of all of these smiling moments more often throughout our days.

  1. Garlic bread.
  2. Taking a night walk with my love.
  3. An elderly couple holding hands.
  4. Successfully communicating in a different language.
  5. When the elevator closes before the stranger gets there.
  6. Baby sized shoes.
  7. Staring at the man I love and realizing we haven’t said a thing for minutes.
  8. When a song comes on and matches my mood perfectly.
  9. Checking off a to-do list.
  10. Sticky notes and highlighters.

Okay. That’s it!! I did it! 50 different things that make me smile ranging from scandalous to boring.

This took me almost 30 minutes. And I’m starving. So I’m not going to elaborate on anything today! I just challenge you to make your own list of 50 items! Enjoy your smiles!

Have a great day!

Thanks for venturing.

by thetimeahead

1. What do I need more of in my life?

So I’m going to try this thing. Instead of blogging about my day to day struggles and blaming confusion and concerns for my writing inspiration, I’m going to get uncomfortably introspective. Well, you may feel perfectly cozy sipping your tea and coffee as you scan my words. I’ll be shuddering in the confines of my 10×10 office bedroom hoping you never find out who I really am. But baby steps.

Let’s begin.

Journal Prompt #1

What do I need more of in my life?

First things first. Let’s dissect this question–because my brain won’t allow me to do otherwise. What’s a need? And are we talking my life now? Or in a perfect life? Because those are all conflicting things.

I need air. I need shelter. I need water. I need garlic bread. I need adventure. And I need love. You know, normal things.

I could totally go for some garlic bread right now. Is eating my feelings a justifiable need? Cause it feels like a case that can be argued.

I want more of that in my life. I love garlic bread. And I love love. A totally normal transition from thought to thought.

I want more love.

I need more love.

But that’s in a perfect life. Where I had the perfect guy, with perfect eyes, the perfect home, the perfect laugh, the perfect future.

Or was that life a month ago?

He used to be mine.

And now he’s free to adventure and live without me. Is that what he needs? Is that what he wants? Is there a difference?

I guess there is. I want him in my life. But what do I really need more of in my life right now? Myself. I need to find me. Search through the highs and the lows of joy and pain. Brace walking the streets alone without fear, only to find that I’m okay walking alone.

It’s never fun to be alone. But it can be an adventure.

That’s what I need.

I need to be okay being alone.

I need more love for myself.

I need to bravely love myself.

Because who I am is brave.

And once I find who I am with brave by my side, I’ll be unstoppable.

Come at me life.

 

Thanks for venturing.

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 6

The decision.

We broke up.

He was split in two.

So he split us in two.

He said his heart wasn’t in the right place- right now. But his mind and logic and everything else in him said not to let me go.

Heart versus Mind.

What does that even mean?

Why?

What happened?

I don’t want to describe the nitty gritty details of woe. But basically, I hurt him with some harsh words (and he’s hurt me too in his own way). Harsh words that came out because I had wounds from my past recently opened. And when that happened, even though those wounds have scarred over (or at least so I thought), they attacked.

I pushed him away. I asked for a break out of anger when I had said we were done. And he listened. He did too well. And now I don’t have the chance to treat him better. But I’m praying I do.

Of course every part of me doesn’t want to let him go. I want to grow as a human being with him by my side. He helped me to grow in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe it. This long distance didn’t give us a fair chance and it’s so frustrating.

He’s such a wonderful human being. He even said that he’s not mad at me in the slightest. It’s just what’s happened. And it hurts him to do this too. Why does the timing of all of this suck so much? Just when things were about to get even grander, everything falls apart.

He acknowledged that we both have grown so much from this relationship. Both of us had scars to work through and the love we shared helped to close those wounds. I’m just so confused as to why it’s the end and not “another chance”? Why now?

I now know what it’s really like to lose the man of my dreams. I guess that was the biggest part of growth he blessed me with. And I never want to learn that lesson again.

Sure my ex-husband taught me a thing or two about love, but it wasn’t like this. My ex-husband was a high school sweetheart. This man (my current ex)–oh my gosh–he was everything right. Kind, loving, handsome, smart, high achieving, inspiring, hilarious, gentle, encouraging, supportive, and I could go on and on. My love for him was growing so deep.

Why does it seem like I need to lose this man too?

Abiding in Hope

He said his heart wasn’t in the right place. And he recognizes that he doesn’t have a strong relationship with God. I know that belief in God is there. But his fiery passion isn’t. His heart isn’t hungry and yearning like I would hope. He isn’t ready. His heart isn’t.

I mean, my heart isn’t in the best place either. It’s a back and forth struggle and I find my passion igniting in waves. So is that why this is happening? And if so, why can’t we walk through this together? Why can’t we both encourage one another in growth and press forward?

God, why?

Why do we have to struggle on our own? Will we be brought back together stronger? Is that a possibility? Can I rest in that hope that You, God, are going to bring the strong, faith, abiding man into my life at the right time?

Please work in him. Stir his heart to cry out to You.

Give him discernment. Wisdom. Give me discernment and wisdom.

Steps

Why can’t we fix it?

Why do I go through this cycle?

I struggle to keep a distance. I don’t know how to focus on myself. I don’t like it.

I love him so much. I want to do anything I can to make us survive. But working on myself? Uhh. Is that necessary? And yes I know it is. Hush.

That will be the next phase of acceptance I walk through. I’m still gaining ground and gain strength to walk forward without him.

All I can do is pray that God pulls on his heart and leads him to be the great man He has called him to be.

Like, seriously…. I can’t envision a more perfect man, when he’s abiding in Christ. Please let it be him, God.

 

Thanks for venturing through my heart’s struggles.

 

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 5

Retreat

Sometimes I hate my own mind.

It’s too creative. Too imaginative. Too constant. Too intent on restoring peace and harmony. Downfalls of an INFJ heart I suppose.  Why did you give me such a kind heart God? A heart that wants to heal and support every human being other than herself?

I wish I could shut off the noise that invades every five minutes. God why aren’t you helping? I’ve tried handing this to you again and again and my heart fails me. Fictitious conversations  draw me to give in to the anger, the impatience, the insecurity. I’ve been calling out to you to find out what is meant for me. Is it not him? Was it just to bring me out of my sadness from my past? Can you answer that question some how? Because I’d really like to know why the man you brought into my life so perfectly seems to be meant to walk out of it now.

Is his distance my fault? Is it the enemy? Is it You allowing it so? Help me to find You in all of this. Help me to redeem what is left of this situation. Why is it that me reaching out to talk to him pushes him further away? How is it fair to make me stand in the shadows while he figures things out? It’s been two full weeks. Do I move on? Do I give space still? The last time I showed a man grace and patience, You took him away from me. So what’s happening?

Resist

I’m trying to be understanding about what he may be thinking. I realize this is the holiday season and family gatherings are taking place, friend events are constant, and no one really wants a reason to address their crappy feelings. But how do you push aside someone you care about like this? I’m missing the man I love. He mentioned he missed me, but he still doesn’t reach out. What’s up with that? Readers do you have any insight?

Why is a man who states that he misses me still not call me to hold a conversation for two minutes?

What is it a man wants? Or an ENTJ in this situation?

How do I hold on to this wonderful human being?

How do I forget about my scars? How I place these wounded parts of myself in box full of first aid supplies that are ready to go at any moment and piece me back together again? How do I replace my moments of frustration and anger with a breath of grace and love? How do I change the darkness in my heart into light?  How do I avoid forcing him to live out his days searching for a box of first aid supplies? How do I resist wounding him when mine are torn open?

Regress

I know I need to pull back. I’ve written as much. Patience, patience. But I never listen to myself. I think I’m losing him guys. And it’s my own fault. I don’t know how to stay distracted long enough to let this take its course. I’ve wounded him. And he’s wounded me. But why are we struggling to stitch each other back together?

I thought researching advice, working out, reading tips on how to deal with ENTJ’s until I glazed over, or pinning pins of winter outfits until I crash would be enough.

I guess I’ve been focusing on the wrong resources, huh, God?

I’m meant to draw closer to You, aren’t I?

Re-establish

Is this season about drawing me back to You? Do I have to lose this man to find you? Because I’d really like to keep him.

You’re the one that is suppose to stitch us, aren’t You?

Is that what you’re telling me?

Please show me what You will is God. Because I want to walk in it. Remind me of that whenever I struggle please.

 

I guess this post turned into a prayer wrapped in story lines of woe and desperation.

You’re re-establishing the passion and fire in my heart to seek You, aren’t You?

Now, can You just hurry up with this whole lesson? Because I hate learning patience.

 

Thanks for venturing.

 

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 4

Deep Feelings

Sometimes words get you right in the feels.

And then your mind begins to have a conversation with your heart.

You know what my heart said?

Yea, I have no idea either.

At least not yet.

Logic

But my feelings sure know what they want. They want to be with him. They want me to move, like tomorrow. They want to push aside all priorities and logic and jump into a life with him by my side.

And why they heck not?

Well. Logic. Well, illogical logic. Fear of losing myself. Fear of abandoning everything I leave behind. Fear of it failing. Fear, fear, fear.

But am I really being illogical if I’ve been wanting to do it and I have thought about the consequences to all of those fears happening? Those what if’s?

You see, I had a really good conversation with my mentor today and she started my heart off on this tangent. She’s one of my clients, but she’s also a really strong and amazing person that has a heart to nurture and help others grow. We’re really beginning to develop a great relationship and I’m so grateful to God for her being a guidance in my life.

She told me that if I am going to make it work with my man, I need to make him a priority. To stop making excuses. To stop running with the fears other people bring to mind. To stop being afraid to be selfish. If this man is the one I want to be with, why am I depriving myself of that joy? Because tax season is around the corner? Because I need to sell my car first? Because I need to hire and train someone? I gotta figure this out and that out… Excuse, excuse, excuse.

Heart

And the moment she said, well if you keep making excuses then maybe you don’t really want to do it. Maybe you don’t want to move, and that’s okay. And my feelings dropped to my stomach, then my stomach growled, and then my brain spiked, and it kicked my heart, and my heart screamed out in protest. My heart says losing him is not an option. So none of those two do list things will matter if I lose him because I decided to prioritize my taxes. I can figure out my taxes early. I can line up selling my car. I can hire and train someone virtually, and I know my team is there to help and support me in that.

So why am I not moving yet? Aside from our current break, which is because of the struggles distance brings.

Well, my biggest fear is that I don’t want to drop everything for him because I am losing sight of everything else around me. Am I even losing sight if it’s what I want to do? If I’m willing to be selfish with my decisions and the path of life I choose? I just have to do it and work through what comes, right? Because he is someone I don’t want to lose. Sure I don’t want to forget myself in that chasing after him debacle. But in a way I feel like he helps me to really remember who I am. He brings the best parts of me alive. He inspires me. He uplifts me. He makes me happy.

My heart wants to go. It’s ready. Screw logic.

But then again…

Logic

My “mentor” also mentioned to look at my 5 and 10 year plan. You know where you look ahead and envision what your life is going to be like in 5 years, 10 years, etc. So here is me thinking it out. Short and simple. If I were to be selfish…

5 year plan

  • Move in with him.
  • Fully launch my business (i.e. take on more clients).
  • Marry him.
  • Take a few vacations.
  • Maybe have one kid.

10 year plan

  • Grow older together.
  • Adventure a little more.
  • Scale my business.
  • Have a few more kids.
  • Buy a house.

 

And…yea. That’s pretty much it. I’m pretty open to the rest of what life brings, so long as he is in it. I like what that looks like with him being the other half.

Now I just need to talk that out with him. But he’s a difficult one. I seem to over plan and he enjoys spontaneity but yet this moving thing isn’t something that can be entirely spontaneous so my brain doesn’t allow me to do that comfortably and then it starts to bicker with itself and then with him when he poses simple answers to difficult questions and then I continue to ramble on and on and on and have a never ending sentence spilling from my brain.

So now what? Do I leap? Even with the recent break we are coursing through hanging over us?

Is it that easy?

These kinds of leaps are scary. But I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I won’t know what would have been if I never attempt to salvage my relationship. Right?

Heart

So now my question is, when the heck am I suppose to move?

 

Thanks for venturing.

 

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 3

What does it mean to love?

To truly give your heart to someone?

I just poured out my heart on paper and dang does my hand hurt. I had forgotten how much effort, time, and energy, even how much strength it takes to write down words slowly. My brain always thinks faster than I can write and often faster than I can even type.

But for him, I can conquer anything. Even hand cramps. Why? Because I’m falling in love with him.

Impatience

I didn’t know what else to do during this break of no communication even down to social media interactions. So I chose to pour out my heart in an old fashioned letter and deliver it by snail mail. I’m going to lick the stamp and drop it off tomorrow, but my patience is thin. Or rather I’m anxious. I just want to hear his response to it already. To hear his own loving declaration and restore what’s been broken between us. But who knows if that will even come. Maybe it won’t make a difference.

You see, he can be a sensitive and sweet man, but he can also be unpredictable with some of those emotions. He’s an ENTJ if that sums anything up. I don’t know how he is going to respond to my outpouring and love offering. I will at least have the knowledge that he knows how I feel. So he can take from it what he wants and ponder what he wishes. In the end my love was pure and my intent was to let it be known.

Joy

I’m trying to be optimistic, joyful, and confident. So far I’ve struggled on day one, and now day three I’m feeling stronger. I’ve refocused my energy on spending time with God and in the Word. Giving my stress, worry, fear, and insecurity to God. It feels like it’s every five minutes I mentally revisit it, but it’s a good reminder of who is in control. God is sovereign, and I recognize that I don’t need to be in fear of losing the man God has in store for me, because it will be. So if this man is the one for my life, then I can be at peace. He knows my heart and God knows my heart. And so far my heart is directed towards loving this man well and loving him through God’s grace, patience, and relentless forgiveness. And I can hold on to that for today at least while I’m feeling strong.

But dang it’s tiring sometimes.

I seem to be willing to fight through anything for him.

From long distance, to facing my past scars, to sacrificing the chance of developing arthritis…

Love

I guess that’s love.

I guess I love him.

 

Thanks for venturing.

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 2

Surprises

Nope.

There are two types of people in this world. Those that love the element of surprise, and those that will shy away from all surprises.

They can be good.

  1. It brings a smile to your face
  2. It keeps things spicy
  3. It keeps you guessing
  4. It refreshes life

BUT

They can suck.

  1. It derails plans
  2. It can create anxiety
  3. It creates questions
  4. It can be unwanted

Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in surprises. It helps you to grow into a better person. You know, patience, tolerance, adaptability and all that. But this is an area of my life where I want none. I want to know what I’m getting. What I’m in for. I want security, confidence, and joy in this area of my life.

I don’t want to questions the survivability of my relationship. I’ve been down that road and it got ugly.

And I guess that phase of constant surprise in my life has followed me.

And it brought its ugly friend. Insecurity.

So here we are.

Am I surprised that this is hard? That long distance is hard? That we have seasons of arguments? Pain? Insecurity? Jealousy? No.

I’m surprised that these struggles are destroying us. I thought we were strong enough to handle this. I thought we could work through every battle that came our way because we work so perfectly together.

So what happened?

Well, we are getting lazy. We communicate with less effort, prioritize different things, pursue different dreams, and stopped having deep conversations. Or at least that’s what I feel has led to these issues that are arising without going into too much detail.

We argue all the time, now. Either one of us is in a bad mood, both, or it slowly creeps into a negative conversation. Then, surprise! The “hang up beep” of our modern phones makes an appearance. Or the radiating voice of anger forms soul cutting words with intent to destroy followed by the tender moments of regret and reflection.

It’s no surprise that I struggle with this. It was part of my last relationship. My defense mechanism is to push away. To self sabotage. Destroy. What ever accolade you want to give it for all the many times it has been successful in my life.

And it followed me.

So when stressors get high and he presses on wounds from my divorce, my wall of “we are done” or “this isn’t working” screams to life. The instinct to avoid the element of surprise, or the control seeker in me, says, “Nope” and aims to walk away.

And then it wants to get mean. It gets red. It removes the uncertainty. The chance to hurt me. So I turn to hurting him first. It forgets all of the beautiful memories. The reasons why I adore him. The smiles. The bellowing laughter. The twinkle in his eyes when he stares at me. The heart of gold that beats in his perfect chest. The admirable work ethic. The cozy way his arms hold me. The way he says my name. The sweet forehead kisses. The way he melts my stone cold heart when my icy wall goes up.

And I can’t change any of that. Because he’s not there to grab me and say, “I know you’re too stubborn to accept a hug, but I’m going to hug you anyway.” And I can’t sit beside him in silence on the couch as my insecurities rise only to disappear when he grabs my hand just because he wants to. And I can’t gently scratch his beard when I don’t know what else to say when we are both hurt and look into his eyes with love. And I can’t still my tongue from hurting the man I am falling in love with because the last time I gave my heart away I was surprised. I was betrayed.

I can’t.

I can’t be surprised again.

I can’t trust so easily with my heart.

But I want to.

I want to survive. Because I can survive this. We can survive this.

The Unknown Known

You know how there are just those kinds of people who walk into you life and never leave? No matter what happens. It’s like God placed them there, and you have zero say in whether they stay or go and God is like, “this is a good match. a good team. A pair that can make some impact.” And then there is a twist, and you begin to choose. And suddenly you look into their eyes during the friendship phase and think, “I’m going to keep this person in my life. And maybe even fall in love with them.” And then that wonderful moment happens. A feeling you didn’t know would be is now forever. And all the questions fade.

I know I want him in my life.

I know I want to have surprise adventures with him.

I know I want surprise kisses.

I know I want surprise gifts.

I know I want surprise hugs.

I know I want surprise visits.

I know I want surprises, because he makes it worth it.

Because I was surprised to fall in love again and I did.

And now I’m surprised that we may not survive.

__

To recap the latest struggle if you haven’t gathered from reading between the lines…

We are on an official official break. So, no talking. Real space. Real reflection. Real distance. Real struggles. Real questions.

It’s real.

And that is what is the most surprising of all.

 

 

 

Thanks for venturing.

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 1

The struggle

So a little bit ago I had started a blog about my divorce journey. Then I dropped off the face of the earth and started living life again. Choosing not to dwell on the past and working my way through it in other ways. But little did I know that my past was going to come chasing after my happiness. Now that I find myself in a new relationship I’ve been struggling. Struggling to love. To trust. To be at ease. To open myself up to love. To accept love. And did I mention that it’s a long distance relationship? Yea I know. I’m crazy. Crazy to throw myself into this challenge after everything I’ve been through.

I’m still trying to understand it myself.

But honestly, God’s been so gracious with healing my heart and walking me through my scars. He brought this incredible man into my life when I wasn’t even searching. I never thought I could feel so adored. So special. Especially from a distance. But here I am. Adored. And pushing him away. Why the heck do I always do that? Why do I continue to do that when things get good?

Am I just afraid of conflict? The pain? The chance of rejection? Or betrayal?

My heart is fighting itself. We currently took a “pause” on our relationship. So not a break, just a pause to breathe and reassess. And it was at my request. Well, of course, it was stated during frustration and pain and I now regret it because I’m afraid he is going to walk away. But I’m also grateful for it because now I am forced to deal with my own personal issues since he’s way more stubborn that I am when it comes to taking time apart to work on ourselves.
Eventually I will do a recap of my divorce journey, but for now, present matters only. But I guess one beast sort of resides in the other.
So the biggest question I keep tossing around in my head is, “Can I handle this? Can I survive?”
I guess we will find out soon enough.
by thetimeahead