The struggle

So a little bit ago I had started a blog about my divorce journey. Then I dropped off the face of the earth and started living life again. Choosing not to dwell on the past and working my way through it in other ways. But little did I know that my past was going to come chasing after my happiness. Now that I find myself in a new relationship I’ve been struggling. Struggling to love. To trust. To be at ease. To open myself up to love. To accept love. And did I mention that it’s a long distance relationship? Yea I know. I’m crazy. Crazy to throw myself into this challenge after everything I’ve been through.

I’m still trying to understand it myself.

But honestly, God’s been so gracious with healing my heart and walking me through my scars. He brought this incredible man into my life when I wasn’t even searching. I never thought I could feel so adored. So special. Especially from a distance. But here I am. Adored. And pushing him away. Why the heck do I always do that? Why do I continue to do that when things get good?

Am I just afraid of conflict? The pain? The chance of rejection? Or betrayal?

My heart is fighting itself. We currently took a “pause” on our relationship. So not a break, just a pause to breathe and reassess. And it was at my request. Well, of course, it was stated during frustration and pain and I now regret it because I’m afraid he is going to walk away. But I’m also grateful for it because now I am forced to deal with my own personal issues since he’s way more stubborn that I am when it comes to taking time apart to work on ourselves.

Eventually I will do a recap of my divorce journey, but for now, present matters only. But I guess one beast sort of resides in the other.

So the biggest question I keep tossing around in my head is, “Can I handle this? Can I survive?”

I guess we will find out soon enough.