Tag: pain

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 6

The decision.

We broke up.

He was split in two.

So he split us in two.

He said his heart wasn’t in the right place- right now. But his mind and logic and everything else in him said not to let me go.

Heart versus Mind.

What does that even mean?

Why?

What happened?

I don’t want to describe the nitty gritty details of woe. But basically, I hurt him with some harsh words (and he’s hurt me too in his own way). Harsh words that came out because I had wounds from my past recently opened. And when that happened, even though those wounds have scarred over (or at least so I thought), they attacked.

I pushed him away. I asked for a break out of anger when I had said we were done. And he listened. He did too well. And now I don’t have the chance to treat him better. But I’m praying I do.

Of course every part of me doesn’t want to let him go. I want to grow as a human being with him by my side. He helped me to grow in so many ways I can’t even begin to describe it. This long distance didn’t give us a fair chance and it’s so frustrating.

He’s such a wonderful human being. He even said that he’s not mad at me in the slightest. It’s just what’s happened. And it hurts him to do this too. Why does the timing of all of this suck so much? Just when things were about to get even grander, everything falls apart.

He acknowledged that we both have grown so much from this relationship. Both of us had scars to work through and the love we shared helped to close those wounds. I’m just so confused as to why it’s the end and not “another chance”? Why now?

I now know what it’s really like to lose the man of my dreams. I guess that was the biggest part of growth he blessed me with. And I never want to learn that lesson again.

Sure my ex-husband taught me a thing or two about love, but it wasn’t like this. My ex-husband was a high school sweetheart. This man (my current ex)–oh my gosh–he was everything right. Kind, loving, handsome, smart, high achieving, inspiring, hilarious, gentle, encouraging, supportive, and I could go on and on. My love for him was growing so deep.

Why does it seem like I need to lose this man too?

Abiding in Hope

He said his heart wasn’t in the right place. And he recognizes that he doesn’t have a strong relationship with God. I know that belief in God is there. But his fiery passion isn’t. His heart isn’t hungry and yearning like I would hope. He isn’t ready. His heart isn’t.

I mean, my heart isn’t in the best place either. It’s a back and forth struggle and I find my passion igniting in waves. So is that why this is happening? And if so, why can’t we walk through this together? Why can’t we both encourage one another in growth and press forward?

God, why?

Why do we have to struggle on our own? Will we be brought back together stronger? Is that a possibility? Can I rest in that hope that You, God, are going to bring the strong, faith, abiding man into my life at the right time?

Please work in him. Stir his heart to cry out to You.

Give him discernment. Wisdom. Give me discernment and wisdom.

Steps

Why can’t we fix it?

Why do I go through this cycle?

I struggle to keep a distance. I don’t know how to focus on myself. I don’t like it.

I love him so much. I want to do anything I can to make us survive. But working on myself? Uhh. Is that necessary? And yes I know it is. Hush.

That will be the next phase of acceptance I walk through. I’m still gaining ground and gain strength to walk forward without him.

All I can do is pray that God pulls on his heart and leads him to be the great man He has called him to be.

Like, seriously…. I can’t envision a more perfect man, when he’s abiding in Christ. Please let it be him, God.

 

Thanks for venturing through my heart’s struggles.

 

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 5

Retreat

Sometimes I hate my own mind.

It’s too creative. Too imaginative. Too constant. Too intent on restoring peace and harmony. Downfalls of an INFJ heart I suppose.  Why did you give me such a kind heart God? A heart that wants to heal and support every human being other than herself?

I wish I could shut off the noise that invades every five minutes. God why aren’t you helping? I’ve tried handing this to you again and again and my heart fails me. Fictitious conversations  draw me to give in to the anger, the impatience, the insecurity. I’ve been calling out to you to find out what is meant for me. Is it not him? Was it just to bring me out of my sadness from my past? Can you answer that question some how? Because I’d really like to know why the man you brought into my life so perfectly seems to be meant to walk out of it now.

Is his distance my fault? Is it the enemy? Is it You allowing it so? Help me to find You in all of this. Help me to redeem what is left of this situation. Why is it that me reaching out to talk to him pushes him further away? How is it fair to make me stand in the shadows while he figures things out? It’s been two full weeks. Do I move on? Do I give space still? The last time I showed a man grace and patience, You took him away from me. So what’s happening?

Resist

I’m trying to be understanding about what he may be thinking. I realize this is the holiday season and family gatherings are taking place, friend events are constant, and no one really wants a reason to address their crappy feelings. But how do you push aside someone you care about like this? I’m missing the man I love. He mentioned he missed me, but he still doesn’t reach out. What’s up with that? Readers do you have any insight?

Why is a man who states that he misses me still not call me to hold a conversation for two minutes?

What is it a man wants? Or an ENTJ in this situation?

How do I hold on to this wonderful human being?

How do I forget about my scars? How I place these wounded parts of myself in box full of first aid supplies that are ready to go at any moment and piece me back together again? How do I replace my moments of frustration and anger with a breath of grace and love? How do I change the darkness in my heart into light?  How do I avoid forcing him to live out his days searching for a box of first aid supplies? How do I resist wounding him when mine are torn open?

Regress

I know I need to pull back. I’ve written as much. Patience, patience. But I never listen to myself. I think I’m losing him guys. And it’s my own fault. I don’t know how to stay distracted long enough to let this take its course. I’ve wounded him. And he’s wounded me. But why are we struggling to stitch each other back together?

I thought researching advice, working out, reading tips on how to deal with ENTJ’s until I glazed over, or pinning pins of winter outfits until I crash would be enough.

I guess I’ve been focusing on the wrong resources, huh, God?

I’m meant to draw closer to You, aren’t I?

Re-establish

Is this season about drawing me back to You? Do I have to lose this man to find you? Because I’d really like to keep him.

You’re the one that is suppose to stitch us, aren’t You?

Is that what you’re telling me?

Please show me what You will is God. Because I want to walk in it. Remind me of that whenever I struggle please.

 

I guess this post turned into a prayer wrapped in story lines of woe and desperation.

You’re re-establishing the passion and fire in my heart to seek You, aren’t You?

Now, can You just hurry up with this whole lesson? Because I hate learning patience.

 

Thanks for venturing.

 

 

by thetimeahead

Day 2 Prayer

Hey God,

It’s me again. Thanks for always being a good God. I know we talked a little bit this morning, but it hasn’t been enough to make this go away. So I thought I’d slow down my mind a bit and type out a prayer to you.

I’ve been overthinking. A ton. And nothing seems to soothe it.

Remember that man you sent me? Well, we’ve been fighting. And we aren’t talking at the moment. I’m guessing we will after the holiday fun, but dang he’s good at sticking to not talking. I’m a little anxious if You can’t tell. I gave in to messaging him, and didn’t exactly get the response I wanted. So my mind is wrapped up in itself now. It’s fueling my insecurities and painting elaborate stories and conversations in my mind. Moments where he rejects me, says we’re done, or walks away, and every painful response I can think of. Thoughts of him talking to another woman, even though I don’t believe he is. The enemy is certainly trying to ruin my peace. It’s not a healthy thing.  I’m trying to fight it, but I have way too much time on my hands right now. Being around family isn’t a good enough distraction. It actually makes me struggle more because I look at the smiles of everyone around me and miss his.

I need your peace. I need your rest. I need your discernment. Please help me.

I don’t want my own fears to push him further away. It’s not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. I don’t want to be insecure. I don’t want to assume. I don’t want to destroy this gift You’ve given me.

Please give me patience to focus on You.

My grandma once told me a story about getting through hard times. She said You had told her, “Don’t focus on that, focus on me. Don’t look at that, look at me.”

I guess I’ve finally adopted my grandma’s advice. I’m going to try to do that. To take this time and truly focus on you instead of the struggles that are in front of me.

My grandma always says, when you’re struggling with pain, or lies from the enemy, or any thing at all, give it to God. Even if it’s every five minutes. Just pause and say, “God, I give this to you. And release it. Don’t accept the lies of the enemy. Don’t receive the pain. Give it all to God and find your rest.”

Give me rest, God.

Amen.

by thetimeahead

Journey to Happiness | Chapter 2

Surprises

Nope.

There are two types of people in this world. Those that love the element of surprise, and those that will shy away from all surprises.

They can be good.

  1. It brings a smile to your face
  2. It keeps things spicy
  3. It keeps you guessing
  4. It refreshes life

BUT

They can suck.

  1. It derails plans
  2. It can create anxiety
  3. It creates questions
  4. It can be unwanted

Don’t get me wrong, there is beauty in surprises. It helps you to grow into a better person. You know, patience, tolerance, adaptability and all that. But this is an area of my life where I want none. I want to know what I’m getting. What I’m in for. I want security, confidence, and joy in this area of my life.

I don’t want to questions the survivability of my relationship. I’ve been down that road and it got ugly.

And I guess that phase of constant surprise in my life has followed me.

And it brought its ugly friend. Insecurity.

So here we are.

Am I surprised that this is hard? That long distance is hard? That we have seasons of arguments? Pain? Insecurity? Jealousy? No.

I’m surprised that these struggles are destroying us. I thought we were strong enough to handle this. I thought we could work through every battle that came our way because we work so perfectly together.

So what happened?

Well, we are getting lazy. We communicate with less effort, prioritize different things, pursue different dreams, and stopped having deep conversations. Or at least that’s what I feel has led to these issues that are arising without going into too much detail.

We argue all the time, now. Either one of us is in a bad mood, both, or it slowly creeps into a negative conversation. Then, surprise! The “hang up beep” of our modern phones makes an appearance. Or the radiating voice of anger forms soul cutting words with intent to destroy followed by the tender moments of regret and reflection.

It’s no surprise that I struggle with this. It was part of my last relationship. My defense mechanism is to push away. To self sabotage. Destroy. What ever accolade you want to give it for all the many times it has been successful in my life.

And it followed me.

So when stressors get high and he presses on wounds from my divorce, my wall of “we are done” or “this isn’t working” screams to life. The instinct to avoid the element of surprise, or the control seeker in me, says, “Nope” and aims to walk away.

And then it wants to get mean. It gets red. It removes the uncertainty. The chance to hurt me. So I turn to hurting him first. It forgets all of the beautiful memories. The reasons why I adore him. The smiles. The bellowing laughter. The twinkle in his eyes when he stares at me. The heart of gold that beats in his perfect chest. The admirable work ethic. The cozy way his arms hold me. The way he says my name. The sweet forehead kisses. The way he melts my stone cold heart when my icy wall goes up.

And I can’t change any of that. Because he’s not there to grab me and say, “I know you’re too stubborn to accept a hug, but I’m going to hug you anyway.” And I can’t sit beside him in silence on the couch as my insecurities rise only to disappear when he grabs my hand just because he wants to. And I can’t gently scratch his beard when I don’t know what else to say when we are both hurt and look into his eyes with love. And I can’t still my tongue from hurting the man I am falling in love with because the last time I gave my heart away I was surprised. I was betrayed.

I can’t.

I can’t be surprised again.

I can’t trust so easily with my heart.

But I want to.

I want to survive. Because I can survive this. We can survive this.

The Unknown Known

You know how there are just those kinds of people who walk into you life and never leave? No matter what happens. It’s like God placed them there, and you have zero say in whether they stay or go and God is like, “this is a good match. a good team. A pair that can make some impact.” And then there is a twist, and you begin to choose. And suddenly you look into their eyes during the friendship phase and think, “I’m going to keep this person in my life. And maybe even fall in love with them.” And then that wonderful moment happens. A feeling you didn’t know would be is now forever. And all the questions fade.

I know I want him in my life.

I know I want to have surprise adventures with him.

I know I want surprise kisses.

I know I want surprise gifts.

I know I want surprise hugs.

I know I want surprise visits.

I know I want surprises, because he makes it worth it.

Because I was surprised to fall in love again and I did.

And now I’m surprised that we may not survive.

__

To recap the latest struggle if you haven’t gathered from reading between the lines…

We are on an official official break. So, no talking. Real space. Real reflection. Real distance. Real struggles. Real questions.

It’s real.

And that is what is the most surprising of all.

 

 

 

Thanks for venturing.

by thetimeahead

When do you quit? | Divorce

How do you know when you’re suppose to give up on sombody? How do you know when it’s time for you to move on?

I’ve been MIA for a little while. My heart hasn’t been in it. I haven’t felt the energy to put my thoughts on screen. Most of my words have been spoken to empty air. Or at least that’s how a part of me feels. I’ve cried out to God, I’ve cried to my family, to the prayer warriors, to my husband. All to no avail it seems. I’m struggling to trust that this all under God’s plan.

Long story short, my husband filed for divorce. It’s not mutual. It doesn’t seem hopeful that he is going to change his mind. He said that this just isn’t what he wants anymore. He doesn’t want my love… even though I have an endless amount ot give. He said I’m perfect in every way. Not to change. But we both know that this situation is going to destroy some part of me, no matter how much I try to hold on to it.

My heart hurts. My head, too. I’m so confused. I don’t know where to turn or who to really contact to stay distracted. You know, adult life. Everyone is busy and it isn’t their fault or their total responsiblity to pick up the broken pieces of me. I have to do that myself. I just certainly woulnd’t mind a little help. Where are you God?

I was raised to never give up on someone when they are going through a hard time. Right now, he certainly is. But this is the time when I guess I need to learn how to give up on someone that’s given up on you. It would be completely different if he wanted to fight too. But he’s walking away, knowing that it’s a selfish decision, knowing that life is going to be completely broken, knowing that he’s destroying a woman he loved to do it. So whatever he is battling inside himself is an absolute doozy, to me.

I guess it’s time to give up and move on when you realize they have already. It’ll take time. It took me weeks to realize that he no longer deserved me. He’s not in love with me. So no matter how much I love him he will never receive it and understand its true value. He can never appreciate what he has with a sincere reciprocation. And I will never get what I deserve if I settle for not respecting myself enough to stop waiting for him to wake up. I have to walk away. Even though it kills me. And then when I’m reborn, I can move on and walk a new path that will lead me to someone worthy of who I am. I just need to rely on God to get me there.

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Restoration | Fifteen

I hate that I hate things now.

Maybe hate is a strong word, but it pairs well with my hardened heart so it suffices.

The world is surrounded by elements of love. A dash of romance by candle light. A tablespoon of twinkly eyes as he stares at her across the room. A pint of dramatic kissing scenes. A mix of cheese and throw-up in every single song on the radio.

Can I toss it in the trash? It tastes disgusting. My tongue is begging me to wash it out with some acidic flavoring. Maybe a lot. I like things bitter, lately.

Something about the sourness as the taste sits on my tongue makes me form a half-smile. It taps into a world of flavors I never really embraced–poison.

It settles in dark. It seasons things black. The weight heavy. The aroma of revenge. With an aftertaste of f you.

 It’s overwhelming. It’s all-consuming and my heart is wanting to taste more. It wants to see you suffer the way I have, cry every moment of every thought. It wants to see you buried in sorrow never to love again. It wants to slowly feed you words laced with poison and watch your heart fade. It wants to see the light in your eyes dim ever so slightly. It wants to curse you in fifteen different merciless ways. It wants to haunt you. It wants to destroy you.

And it wants to destroy me.

I’m trying to fight it.

But I can’t run away from it. I want to. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t run. Can I? Can you finish the fight for me?

Just the final stretch? Okay fine, you can do the whole thing. Oh, you mean you as in me?

But I’m a ball of mess. I can’t see the point of a hairbrush. I can’t see the reason for sleeping any less than 10 hours a day. I wince at the sight of  conflict. I’m a coward. I feel like a coward for staying with him. I feel like push over. How can I stay with a man who chose to betray me this way?

It makes no sense. My heart is full of rage and it can’t love anymore. It won’t love him anymore.

I need to, though. You call me to love. You call me to forgive. To be like You. But how? How do I forgive like You do? You make it seem so simple. Please, God. Take away these temptations to seek out vengeance. Remove this darkness. It’s consuming the beautiful soul You desire me to be. Give me Your eyes.

The lens I see the world through has been shattered. I can’t seem to separate or make out individual pieces of beautiful things. All I see is tainted. How I see you is tainted.

| I once adored the words that poured from your lips, but now I only taste lies.

| I once admired the way your smile crinkled, but now I only sense shielded sadness.

| I once delighted in the way my heart fluttered from your kiss, but now I only hear the cracks of my heart breaking.

| I once appreciated the way you planned dates, but now I disregard anything you do for me that you did for her too.

| I once treasured the moments we spent together, but now I bury feelings of resentment.

| I once marveled at the dreams that lied before us, but now I fixate on poisons of the past.

I can never see him the same way. I just hope the newer version of him is found in You.

Free me, Lord. Change my heart. Give me the strength to see things the way You do. Open my eyes to the many blessings You have poured on my life. Let me find the beauty in the journey I am set to walk for You. Keep my eyes focused on the bigger brighter picture instead of the narrow negative view. May You shield my mind, heart, and soul from seeking out things that will only bring more pain. Begin Your healing work in my heart and my husband’s heart. Renew our marriage and pour out Your blessings over the time we spend together, be it intimately, spiritually, physically, and mentally. Reignite a gentle spirit of love inside him and re-energize a forgiving spirit in myself. May our marriage be strengthened and sanctified. Shine Your light in our lives. 

“Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.” Psalm 119:05

Amen.

Thanks for fighting. 

womanofthetimeahead@gmail.com

 

 

by thetimeahead

Journey to Restoration | Twelve

I cried today.

Well, all last week too, but who’s keeping track.

It’s been about 12 minutes since my last, and I already need another hit of crying therapy. It feels so satifying. I feel at peace. For a few seconds at least. And as my trembling hands try to match the right keys and letters my heart slips onto the digital world of “is any body out there?”. We all hunger for a voice. For attention. For a void to fade into the abyss of our minds and find a new home, surrounded by a warm fire, cozy toe socks, and a Christmas joy in the air.

I’m trying to find my way to the warmth of the glowing embers. I have to. I have to keep on walking through this snow covered land. But how can I? My feet are sinking. I’m only 5’4! I’m running out of sky! I’m running out of energy.

You told me you were going to change. You told me you were going to love me. What happened? You’re doing everything wrong, even when it feels right. Your habits haven’t changed. You still over step boundaries you know lead down a dangerous path. You share one on one time, deep conversations, and play hero. While I may not need you to be my hero right now it sure doesn’t hurt to have the back up. I may be Wonder Woman but I like having Steve Trevor around.

Every time you considering back slipping just envision yourself pushing that knife into my heart a little deeper. Every time you feel weak and tired of putting 100% or really any effort less than the best consider a life without me.

I don’t know how much I can take. I’ve never tested these limits. I never even knew I’d need limits for tolerating cheating.

Now I know I can’t expect a 180 miracle change in you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t look for that standard. If you know better, you should really begin to dedicate every breath you have to regaining my trust. Because without my trust, I can’t give you anything else to the fullest.

Where is the effort? Where is game face? Are we going to conquer this battle or not?

I want to give you grace. I need to, I know. But I’m not perfect. I know I’ve hurt you with my words–deserving or not. But I don’t want to continually hurt each other, nor will it strengthen our relationship.

Please, get right with God. I’m trying. He’s calling on both of us.

God,

Please. Give me peace. Give him strength. Grant us both forgiveness for when we fail you. Help us to forgive ourselves when we fail. Your will be done in us. 

Amen.

 

Thanks for eye balling my words. Any one know how to begin publishing a book?

by thetimeahead

Journey to Restoration | Nine

My brain is scrambled. I can’t even comprehend that I’m moving forward. Some people think I’m crazy and others urge me on with sympathy. They like to say, “Wow, I never thought that would happen!”, “How are you still with him?” and so on.

Honestly, I’ve been researching affair recovery stories…and sadly, my situation isn’t as half as bad as most I’ve listened to. Some affairs have been going on for three, five, ten years, multiple people, children in the mix, etc. I’ve been blessed by God’s grace that we began our journey back to a loving God centered marriage early on. Regardless of the length of the affair, the scars are still the same. The pain is just as real, the thoughts just as deep, the insecurity just as prevalent.

To all of you out there who have suffered from this type of betrayal, my fragile heart goes out to you. The pain we feel in incomparable. Those who sympathize, “I can’t imagine how you feel…” are entirely true.

I don’t wholly know how I feel. I didn’t prepare for this. I didn’t study up affair recovery in anticipation of the moments I can finally use the vast resources I found. But here I am. I’m choosing to stay. Choosing to walk beside a man who has wronged me, pained me, and betrayed his God.

The beautiful thing is…God hasn’t betrayed him. He’s always been there and now He’s pulling on my husband’s heartstrings tighter than ever. God’s plucking chords I never even knew existed in him. And you know what? It sounds beautiful.

It’s beautiful to hear him singing worship music again. To hear him reference scriptures in natural conversation. It’s beautiful to see a compassion in his eyes when he holds me. To see my husband’s love for me flourish all over again.

It’s beautiful to feel feminine again.

You know that feeling when your dad embraces you in a tight warm hug and everything falls away because you know he’s going to protect and take care of little you? Yeah. I guess it’s like that. In the same moment I feel my husband’s arms wrapped around me I feel God’s arms shadowing his.

I absolutely acknowledge that men are generally larger and stronger than women. And that’s okay. One of the things I love about my husband is his larger presence in contrast to my petite presence. I feel safe.

I feel taken care of again. Except this time, I don’t need to rely on him. I’m choosing to look to him out of respect, admiration, and humility. Because now, I’ve found my own courage to chase independence with him by my side.

I may be completely vulnerable, but I find a strength in it. I’m growing, nurturing, and developing my own soul. God is refining the warrior He created in me.

I can exercise empathy. I’m supportive of his recovery (and my own) throughout our shared suffering. This is a long journey, but we’re choosing to bring  God along for the ride, together.

I am continually being sanctified. God is working on both of our hearts and we get the opportunity to see each other grow more and more in loveliness and holiness. We get the opportunity to be used as a part of God’s work.

~Prayer

Lord,

Thank You for goodness. Thank You for being my strength when I am weak and the courage when I cannot speak. Help me to continually trust in You. Let my heart be like David’s; let me sing Psalms 86. Help me to rely on Your faithfulness. Comfort us during the hard times. Soften us when we feel anger with one another. Keep us focused on You when we feel weary. Thank You for this blessing to sanctify one another in marriage. Grant us Your grace and wisdom.

In Your name, Amen.

| Thanks for reading.|

by thetimeahead

Journey to Restoration | Seven

I spent the night away from you last night.

How did it feel? Do you realize you are losing me yet?

I don’t often seek space [I have the unfortunate habit of wanting to talk too soon] so you should know that this time it’s real.

You hurt me in the deepest way. The most humanly possible. You had an affair.

How did you even must the courage? How did you not stop yourself? Was she that enticing you were willing to throw your marriage aside? Your entire life down the drain?

Why are you in-between? What are your pros and cons? You don’t get a safety net anymore. You need to choose. You can’t put this decision on me. If you want her, go. Go see if the grass is greener–or if it’s just painted over.

You’re the one that has something to lose here. I know my value and you’re never going to take that away from me.

Seven top questions keep drifting around in my mind…

  1. How could you do this to me?
  2. What did you tell yourself that gave you the permission to pursue her?
  3. Did you really believe you wouldn’t get caught?
  4. If you leave me are you going to go to her?
  5. What does she even mean to you?
  6. What has she given you that I haven’t?
  7. Are you going to be the man that I deserve?

Thank you for crushing my insecurity. Thank you for giving me a fiery passion to love myself. Thank you for testing my love and proving that I have an unimaginable strength. Thank you for giving me a challenge to share with the world. Thank you for slapping me in the face and awakening my heart to follow after God.

psalms 18:1-2

Dear God,

Thank You for Your strength. You are my refuge. Keep my eyes focused on You. Protect my heart from all things evil. Deliver me from the bondage of pain, anger, and unholy desires. Shield me in Your arms and send me Your love when I am weak. Let Your will be done in me. Let Your will be done in my marriage. Let Your will be done in my life. 

Amen.

 

Thanks for reading. Keep me in your prayers.  If you’d like to follow my journey, jump on board.

by thetimeahead

Journey to Restoration | Six

Well… [explicit]. I knew there was something else. Here’s to number six. Or rather, sex.

The most intimate thing you’ve got to give. And you decided to give it away in the back of her car at a random street corner. And then went on with life.

(more…)

by thetimeahead